| this is the day i set it free...this is the day i forget..this is the day i let out my pain... |
[May. 9th, 2005|07:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hey you by pink floyd | ] |
Dear Everybody Who Reads My Journal,
Let me remind you whos journal this is, its mine. I can express what i want, say what i want, and feel how i want. Be with who i want, be friends with who i want, and tell, what i want. Right now, I dont want to die. (but thanks andrew for the fantastic idea) If i did, it would be destiny and there would be nothing else to say. Some would miss me, some wouldnt, and im about to the point where thats fine. If someone doesnt want to be my friend, just say it, and shut the fuck up. If you want me out of your life, just say it, dont carry it on and pretend like you want to just to not hurt my feelings. My friends mean alot to me, and when people say that one of my very best friends in the world ruined my life, ill defend it in any way possible (even if it makes no sense at all, which usually happens, and i apologize for that) YES people can change your life (happy ror?) but that doesnt mean its all them. You do contribute and you do make your own decisions and thats just the way the world works, id rather just let it work, then argue about how life is personally but some people know just how to rile me up and piss me off to the point where ill say just about anything to attempt to prove a point when it really makes no fucking sense at all. In my life ive gone through a lot, and nobody knows this more than me. And i know ive lived through alot of things normal teenagers live through also, but there are alot that 95% havent lived through, and i think its been good for me. Yes i am going through a rough spot in my life, and rory, i do understand why you wanted to just separate from me, it was your decision, your life, and youre just trying to be happier and make it better and i understand that. And im sorry for how ive been acting or anything of that nature. Ive just been on edge, uptight, and just trying to be happy no matter what. It may not be working but im gonna try at it till something good comes along, thats just how i am. Its not tylers fault though, for how ive been, its my own. I choose to smoke, and skip, and do what i do, not his. hes never forced me in any way, shape, or form. and people should give him credit for that. I love tyler. He is one of my very best friends and if people just cant accept that then they can throw in their two cents and leave me alone about it. Because its my life, and im going to do what i feel is necissary for me. I may be dependant on people, but not as bad as everybody thinks, or maybe its just Rory that thinks that, I dont know. But im needy, and i like being around people and if that makes me dependant, then so be it, but its how i decide to live my life, it shouldnt matter to you ror, you chose not to be in it anymore. Youve moved on and im happy for you. There are problems in my family, and in school, and with my emotions and with my friends. And ive been going to counseling, and therapy, and doctors, and just trying to figure out whats going on, because 90% of the time, i have no idea why i feel the way i do. Its not that im just sitting back all day smoking weed and having a free for all, but does anybody say "Tiff..what is going on?" NOPE, DIDNT THINK SO so you awesome 'friends' of mine, just assume what you want and bitch at me like its gonna make things better. But i hate to tell you, it doesnt. SO TELL ME TO KILL MYSELF. God andrew youre an amazing kid, everybody wants to be your friend. Ill say ive been more cynical, bitchy, on edge, and ready to jump lately. and i dont know why. ive found this new self confidence where ill stand up to anyone with no problem. I feel bad, then i get pissed again. Its terrible and they think im bi-polar, i dont know whats wrong with me, but for all you kids being assholes to me and teasing me and being jerk offs, ill be sure to tell you right away so you can back the fuck off. Just leave it alone. Leave me alone. And im not writing in this anymore.
bye
<3Tiff
ill leave you with some Pink Floyd <3
Hello,
Is there anybody in there
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone at home
Come on now
I hear you're feeling down
I can ease your pain
And get you on your feet again
Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts
There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb
O.K.
Just a little pin prick
There'll be no more aaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
And I have become
Comfortably numb. |
|
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| you make me go absolutely insane with those big green eyes... |
[May. 7th, 2005|09:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | kashmir by led zeppelin | ] |
i am suspended till friday the 13th, which is also my prom<333 with tyler :) so im pretty excited for that. I just which some people would grow up and be civil about the fact that im taking my best fucking friend but i guess thats never gonna happen. People that havent even met him dont want him in the limo just because of my black eye what 6 months ago? like it wasnt an accident? but whatever. He kinda doesnt even wanna go now because of it but he said he will for me.
ive been working alot or hanging out with either andrea, jeremy, tyler, or brittany. today i work 1030-4 then Tylers picking me up and were going to the mall to get mothers day presents. Jesses meeting up with us at the mall, im wicked stoked for that. I never ever get to see Jesse and when i do, he usually doesnt want to. But hes going to the mall just to see me and NOBODY knows how utterly happy that makes me.
Wednesday is the sky cheifs game and we got 11 free tickets and i just wanted to bring Tyler, so mom said he could go. and Kristen picked up my hours cause shes a sweetheart.
I went to the doctors and I got put on two different meds because i guess i have this random sinus infection and acid reflux disease. and she is sending me to a psychologist to get analyzed because she says that since ive been dealing with these feelings for so long i probably need them. She says i may have depression and anxiety, and my severe mood swings show signs of bi-polar and my mom says i have anger issues. this is fucking awesome [[sarcasm]] i just want to be okay and normal and a happy 16 year old girl. But i dont think thats going to happen. Too much shit has gone on in the past 6 years, god let alone the past year that just has destroyed me to no end. between my 4 "serious" relationships and my mom and my family and just school and everything. this is all bullshit. alright im gonna go eat or something. i have an hour...
bye kids <3 |
|
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| a ghost is all thats left, of everything we swore we never would forget... |
[May. 4th, 2005|10:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  irritated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | all thats left by thrice | ] |
we go from
*Oh with you, I'd travel thick
And with you, I'd also travel thin
And all the spaces in between
I'd travel with you
You're my sweet one
-Phish-
to this
Today has been
cluttered with..
broken teeth and filthy stitches
and a conscience that won't shut up
I understand that your worst is beating the hell out of my best
but I can take it
The one thing that I'll never get
is how you turned out like all the rest
but I can take it
It says a lot
about the difference..between me and you
But if you're all that I've got
I'll have nothing left
After what I'm about to do
-Boys Night Out-
[[im giving up]] |
|
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| together we created a world of sunlight and darkness fell, as we walked away.... |
[May. 2nd, 2005|08:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Time by Pink Floyd | ] |
Yesterday wasnt too bad. Me and Andrea went to work from 11-7. A saw a ton of people that I knew yesterday, Larry came in to visit me :) and Ty n Britt came through drive thru. So did Joe Reed and most of his family, there was one person impaticular i wanted to see, but, i knew he wouldnt come in, even if i asked him too :/. I tried to see him but he was being a dick so i kept my distance. After work I came home and Tyler came and got me and I went to his house. We just hung out for a while and talked and we went to bed around 1. I have a doctors appt. today at 10 to talk about anti anxiety pills and hopefully get some. Because this past week has been absolute hell for me. 2 Panic Attacks and countless attacks of heart palpitations and i just cant stand it anymore. I hate being a whiny depressed bitch but my life is just a big ball of NOTHING right now. i went to school 1 day last week and im probably not even going today. I have an ortho appt today @ 4 then i have to work @ 5. Then i dont work again till thursday..then friday..then saturday..then i have sunday off cause its Mothers Day! Were going to Ichiban and I gotta buy her something wicked nice with my paycheck, cause, shes worth it. I have the most amazing mother in the world, i wouldnt trade her for anything!
well since i havent really been able to sleep this weekend im gonna go try to before my appointment, cause im kinda exhausted. later<3
Im giving back the new phone. Im getting the old one back
DONT CALL- 3952870
CALL- 4391493
I feel the blood rushing up, the words from you like a blow to the sternum.
I can't hold back now, my mouth is watering two fold.
with the flavor of myself in the meaning.
I lost my head again.
where did we go wrong.
my concern. I lost my head again,
but this time the apology is written across your face
with unhealed lacerations.
as I choke on the things I wish I had said
blame me
and go ahead with your life as you always did.
and force my stomach to purge the words I might have eaten
in a victorious feat of self indulgence.
I simply lost my head again.
I lost it all when I heard your voice in a tone
like the storm that never strays.
from the sepulcher I call my mind.
sentiments of you they will never stray
Sentiments of You by It Dies Today |
|
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| if youre all ive got, ill have nothing left, after what im about to do.... |
[May. 1st, 2005|10:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | where we breathe by boys night out | ] |
well.. shit hasnt gotten any better really. and i dont know when it will.
i have no clue.
friday i worked 4-7 after a day of hanging out with amanda and jolean, and then i went to the talent show and got royally ditched by britt. so i chilled with jesse the whole time because i never EVER see that fucking kid and it was awesome. spire got 3rd place but i think they would have gotten better if Jesse was allowed to sing, honestly. well i kinda got to see larry but he was acting really weird, so, yeah. rachaels step dad gave me a ride to britts and her and ty were telling me about how i shoulda not come over.. so i had my mom come n get me and needless to say our sleepover plans got cancelled. i had one of the worst nights ever and if it wasnt for larry calling me at the exact moment he did, i probably would have done something extremely stupid.. i got in another fight with ror... and faught with tyler for awhile too. everything is just so fucked up. i didnt get to sleep till 5 then i woke up and worked 11-7. i went to the mall with rachael and her cousin and ended up meeting up with this kid tim i used to be mad chill with that got kicked out of westhill, and his cute friend nick that knows a shit ton of my friends cause he goes to west genny. anyway we went to hooters and just walked around and the movie was later than we thought so i chilled with the guys at one movie till they left then went into "a lot like love" untill around 1215 with rach and her cousin. i got home and didnt get to sleep till 3. now i gotta go work 11-7 again.. then i gotta maybe go to school tomorrow then work from 5-8 cause i work 4 days in a row. its okay its 21 hours in 4 days and im okay with that. but i gotta go get ready for work... and eat.. and stuff.
im gonna leave you with some boys night out..
If you were to ask me how long I've been running for,
I don't even think I could answer. I just don't know anymore.
I'm a sucker for weakness and the blood covering my floor.
It's all that I have left to remind me of the girls I've loved before.
Believe me when I say that I love you, angel, because I do -
but accidents will happen...and they do.
Courtesy came calling with her best friend common sense,
unaware that malice and manipulation had taken up residence.
Caring came to the crime scene, but bloodlust beat them back
so apathy could laugh with his compadres and anger could attack.
Hey, honey, hold my hand and hope for heaven because I just can't help myself.
Even angels end up burned and buried in my backyard...
and you, you're just like everyone else.
The First Time It Shouldnt Taste Like Blood by Boys Night Out |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|10:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | worried | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my last serenade by killswitch engage | ] |
i lost my drive to debate. to argue. to fight verbally when something is said wrong, or someone in general is wrong. i faught with aj yesterday for my friends, but whenever an arguement arises in a journal, or persay, in general anywhere, i fight for my belief, just to get my point across too. But i dont really want to. I dont have the will to fight for anything, let alone myself anymore. Have I lost my will to live? What am I really doing here anymore? My life has grown pointless and stupid and I dont even feel as though i have the strength to get up and do anything about it. I've reverted back to a worse version of my old self and I really cant find a way out of it. I dont have anyone to help me anymore, and I dont even feel the need to try. Ive been given up on my by best friend, and I dont blame him. Im giving up on myself, because i really dont feel like i have any other choice. im going to go to school today, and just let it all go. its just not worth it anymore. all i feel like doing is crying or smoking. thats about it. i dont have a date for my prom because tyler promised mal hed go with her to ball which is the same day as my prom and ror wont go with me either. i really want to go with rory to tell you the truth, thats it, plain and simple, but he doesnt want to so what can i do about it? nothing. i bought a gorgeous dress and paid for the limo and all i had left was the tickets. fuck now im crying. this has become so god damn pathetic, just my life, everything. im empty. i dont know what to do anymore. my best friends gone and i feel like i have no one. hes all i need. i cant see the screen anymore and im too shaky to even type.
i cant do this alone. |
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| how could love be so thoughtless so cruel, when all, all that i did was for you <3 |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|10:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | signals over the air by thursday | ] |
all ive been doing for the past week, is thinking. about everything. and mostly about ror, and everything thats going on, and i just dont know what to do about my life. i skip constantly [again] and i smoke and just its no good. so i thought about me and larry, cause i was with him on sunday, and just about everything with him. and i was looking at some lyrics from a song i absolutely adore, and i realized its how i see larry. its the hurt.
Cherry Kiss by From Autumn To Ashes
Creation imperfect
Do you defy this?
Could you and your swollen ego fit into my master plan for failure?
I take the shame to heart and lock it away in a place thats sees not the light of day
I will use it when i see your face again
(your head in your hands and this is my cue,
if three words could heal you i would only speak two,
your eyelids grow heavy and this is my cue,
If three words could heal you i'd only speak two)
How could you think after all you put me through
and all you put on my shoulders that i would answer your cries for help?
(How could you think after all you put me through
and all you put on my shoulders that i would answer your cry for help?)
Unleash the rage built up (in my throat)
Show how you hurt me and hopefully you see
you have the power to destroy my will to live
my life is just so fucked up right now. all i want to do is keep myself busy but i barely have any friends left, so, i dont know what to do really. my weekends pretty full cause of work the only real plans i have are 1)pay my phone bill 2)west genny talent show 3)britt spends the night on friday.
other than that, nothing. i want to see Rory though....
ill leave you with some more ...
Short Stories With Tragic Endings by From Autumn To Ashes
Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,
the one thing that I cannot give you.
(Did you ever see that one person
and the way they do these things
and it hurts so much it's like choking.. choking?)
I can give you freedom from your guilt,
with a flick of my wrist onto yours.
I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile.
I can give you death with the look upon my face.
This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no regrets;
you don't deserve good bye.
This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no good bye.
Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss.
No story book ending for this fairy tale of you.
Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your lifeless hand.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.
bye kids |
|
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| will you come home and stop this pain tonight? |
[Apr. 25th, 2005|12:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | down by blink 182 | ] |
Cut the skin to the bone
Fall asleep all alone
Hear your voice in the dark
Lose myself in your eyes
Choke my voice Say goodnight
as the world falls apart
Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this
Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life
Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this
I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence
The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way
Do you still feel the same way
Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this
Here's Your Letter by Blink 182
today im a little bit better. schools shitty. i feel like blowing up at anybody that crosses my path. the only thing keeping my head high is my friends. just laughing and making them laugh makes me feel so much better. i have detention today, dont know what im gonna do in there. but tyler and britt are coming over today. hes working for mom and im hangin out with britt. i really miss Rory.. i havent seen him in three days and i know it doesnt sound like a long time but when you spend the last two months with one person, 3 days is a long time...
i didnt go to sleep untill 230 last night. i couldnt sleep. i slept like a baby at tylers, i just hate being alone, i HATE being alone. i like someone in the room with me while im sleeping. i hate my upstairs. im all alone. its frightening. i dont know what to do with myself anymore.
im just gonna go |
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| sing to me the sweet love song of decades past, so i can fall into your sweet arms at last <3 |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|10:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | exanimate | ] |
| [ | music |
| | wish you were here by pink floyd | ] |
my lifes completely fucked up.
i took saturday off of work which was a huge mistake, but oh well.
ror and i have no fucking trust and were falling apart and i dont even know whats going on. everythings just falling apart right in between us and all were doing is hanging out with the people that the opposites despise anyways. nothings getting better and all im doing is making it worse. because im a sleezy hypocritical bitch who needs to get a HUGE grip on life.
school starts up again tomorrow, lets see how many classes ill go to this week. i dont know my lifes a living hell why would i want to go to any at all. all i want to do is keep myself busy and forget about all the bad shit and try to go back to the good shit. i hung out with larry today and it was like my whole views on everything have changed, why didnt i want to kiss him? and why didnt i want to just be back to normal? and why arent i okay? whats so wrong with me now that the only things that ever made sense to me are now just tumbling down and i cant even control my thoughts, let alone my life, and i just want to FORGET IT ALL. so i smoke my weekend away and where does that get me you ask? about $50 down the drain, thats where. i just tried so hard to forget my life and my problems that i just fucking got retarted and smoked it all away. NOT THAT IT FUCKING WORKED. so im back to where i started, just now flat ass broke, alone, and with school in the morning. i wish i kept girls more in my life than guys, not that i dont absolutely love rory with all my heart, im not even talking about him. the other ones. because all they care about is how i affect their lives, not even how i fucking feel. about how i fell out of love with them and how im "brainwashed"... im so sick and tired of everything that goes on in my fucking life.
FUCK IT ALL
i just want to leave it all behind, and remember the good times, late nights, and love we shared<3 |
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| even the softest words, cant heal the deepest wounds.... |
[Apr. 22nd, 2005|09:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | i got punched in the nose... by boys night out | ] |
lately my life has been good and bad.
i havent had school all week, which has been awesome, ive been working all break though. from sat-sun i got 38 hours. ive been hanging out with either tyler, christine, jenny, or ror over break. andreas been in florida but i saw her last night after she got back and that was awesome. im at rorys right now and i got woken up at like 915 by jesse cause hes a cock, and i told him to call me next time he was in syracuse. im probably gonna see him today because i miss hangin out with that kid like crazy. we used to be like best friends and today on the phone it was kinda like we were again. i saw amanda lariviere too, but all she did was call/talk about jose juan castro. kinda boring. but its okay cause i made her go to tylers and meet joey luke, she didnt enjoy that too much. im wicked pumped to get my paycheck today. i can actually spend some of it because i only have to pay $35 for my phone bill and its at least a $100 check. at least.
they wanted me to work today but i just dont feel up to it. its a friday. its my day off. and i have to work all weekend. and ive been working all week! I havent really been able to spend any time with Ror either, and i hate it. hes my best friend, and i love him more than anything. I miss him all the time, especially when im alone...
ive been going to counseling lately, okay i guess. last time we talked about alot of stuff, including my mom and how she jumps to conclusions and all that good stuff...and the first time we talked about ty. my moms next appt is may 4th, they wanted that to be mine, but i dont think that would be healthy, that would be the day me and larry started going out. speaking of larry, im hanging out with him on sunday. i miss him too, and im really vulnerable right now, so that combination sucks.
well ror just got home from school, so im gonna go. later kids<3
is it still you and me against the world?
all i've got to lose are my teeth.
we're gonna throw it down together tonight.
we're gonna burn this town to the ground
and laugh over the flames. |
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| when youre left with only a bullet, ill bring a trigger and a promise to pull it... |
[Apr. 18th, 2005|09:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hold on tightly, let go lightly by boys night out | ] |
lets clear a few things up for a few people. because wouldnt that just be great, and maybe get some people off my back, maybe they can stop commenting anonymously and get some balls, or maybe say something to my face. that would be nice too.
~yes i have had sex with a good amount of people.
~do you need to know how many? NO.
~do you need to know who? FUCK NO.
~am i a whore? no i dont think so.
~i do regret a good portion.
~two i didnt want, but agreed to.
~one, was not consensual.
~i have truly loved one person in my life.
~but thought i loved two more. i didnt
~i dont need this from anyone right now, honestly
~im not smoking on 420. so get over it.
you people need to stay the fuck out of my business. or get some balls and put down a name. cause this is fucking retarted.
im not writing in this anymore if im gonna get this again. |
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| someone call an ambulance cause somethings not right..its all going wrong tonight.. |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|12:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | yeah no..i know by boys night out | ] |
today i was supposed to go to an ortho appt..but i fixed my braces myself, so i said screw that. i hung out with britt and tyler all morning, and had a talk with his mom. i love hanging out with them, theyre so fun. ty let me drive to school :D it was awesome. i love driving. tonight im going to east hill with rory and everyone and i guess tyler, angie, and some other kids were already planning on going down there so that will be cool. i mean, not the angie part, but the tyler part. lol. hes been wicked cool to me lately and im trying to help him alot but on 4/20 im gonna have to go against all that cause im hangin out with him all day and well..its 4/20...soo.. :) i cant help it. im gonna have to. lol. im so excited. i came to school at 12 and mom was fine with that, cause its the last day before spring break! im pumped for that too. i get my paycheck today and i have to give veronica the $60 for the limo. i have 25 hours this coming week so mad money and yesterday i got to work drive thru and it made time go by so fast. i did a good job and i worked with kristen so it was so cool. i hung out with amanda, jolean, larry s, and jim yesterday so that was cool too.
well class ends in like 2 minutes so ill leave you with a nice little survey dealie :D
peace<3
a personal.. long.. survey! =o) | Created by s0heavenly and taken 455 times on bzoink! | | . ABOUT YOU . | | Full name | Tiffany Elaine Cooper | | What is one thing many people don\'t know about you? | the one thing i really miss... | | What is one thing almost EVERYONE knows about you? | that i am a ho bag | | How many times have you moved in your life? | about 12 | | Do you consider yourself to be a happy or sad person? | ehh.. in the middle | | Are you religious? | no | | Do you consider yourself to be an outgoing or a shy person? | outgoing | | Are you confident? | nope | | Do you want to get married and have kids? | yes | | What's your dream job? | a lawyer | | Do you go to school? | not alot | | Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? | nope | | Do you keep any secrets from your best friends? | not usually... | | . FRIENDS . | | Would you say that you have a lot of okay friends, or a few close ones? | few close | | Name your bestest friends | rory, tyler, britt, andrea... | | Who is the person that you tell EVERYTHING to? | rory | | Who is someone you wish you were closer with? | tyler | | Who is your craziest friend? | tyler | | Who is your most sarcastic friend? | rory | | Who is your nicest friend? | britt | | Who is your quietest friend? | britt | | Loudest? | tyler or andrea | | Meanest? | larry | | Have you ever fallen in love with one of your friends? | yes | | Ever stopped being friends with someone that you had been close with? | yep | | Do you consider yourself to be a leader or follower? | both | | Are you the quiet one out of your friends? | nope | | How many hours do you spend on the phone a day? | 2-3 | | Do people talk to you online? | yes | | Have you ever felt like you were tagging along? | definitely | | . WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU . | | Cried? | two days ago | | Talked on the phone? | 20 minutes ago | | Really yelled at someone? | today | | Got depressed? | today | | Listened to music? | today | | Showered? | wednesday | | Wrote a poem? | idk..its been too long | | Got really pissed? | today | | Made out? | not going there | | Had sex? | ditto | | Got drunk? | like two months ago | | Danced? | yesterday | | Smoked? | today | | Got high? | 6 weeks ago | | Ate? | this morning | | Had a sleepover? | last weekend | | Saw a movie at the theater? | two weeks ago? | | Bought something you really didn't need? | today | | Were jealous? | yesterday | | Thought you looked really hot? | hahaha..um..prom two years ago | | Thought you looked really bad? | today | | Were yelled at? | today | | Got in trouble? | today | | . HAVE YOU EVER . | | Drank too much? | yes | | Smoked weed? | yes | | Had sex? | yes | | Lied to your parents? | yes | | Lied to your best friend? | yes | | Gotten in a car with someone who was intoxicated? | yes | | Driven intoxicated? | no | | Talked behind your friends' back? | yes | | Been to a concert? | yes | | Cut class? | yes! | | Cut a whole day of school? | once | | Gotten a detention? | hahaha yes | | Lied to a boyfriend/girlfriend? | yes | | Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend? | yes | | Had sex with 2 different people within a week? | yes | | Been cheated on? | yes | | Gone clubbing? | no | | Gone skinny-dipping? | no | | Gone camping? | yes | | Been out of country? | yes | | . SEX . | | Have you had sex? | yes | | How many people have you done it with? | umm.. not going there | | Ever done it without protection? | yes | | Favorite position | 'doggy style' god i hate saying that | | What's better: sex or kissing | kissing | | Ever kissed a person of the same sex? | yes | | Ever gone farther with someone of the same sex? | no | | Was your first time awkward or romantic? | awkward | | Ever done it on the bathroom floor? | nope | | Ever done it outside? | yes | | Ever used toys? | nope | | Ever had a 3 way kiss? | nope | | Ever done more than kiss 2 people at once? | nope | | Do you consider yourself to be a horny person? | yes | | Do a lot of people know about your sex life? | yes | | Favorite thing to do sexually | not going there | | Most embarrassing sexual moment | when grama walked in | | . WHAT DO YOU THINK OF . | | Abortion | pro choice | | Murder | only if they truly deserve it | | Rascism | stupid | | President Bush | i cant say alot because i dont really look into things but from what i do know hes a selfish bastard | | Eminem | amazing rapper, one of the best out there | | Britney Spears | pregnant now i guess | | Music | it gives me feeling | | School | i hate it | | Sex | amazing | | Drugs | 420..cant wait | | Religion | i dont believe in organized religion and i havent in awhile | | The Internet | i love it | | Pornography | fun ;) | | Gays / Bisexuals | all for it, im not either, but im all for it | | Getting drunk | i hated it | | Talking behind peoples' backs (admit that you have!) | i have, but i dont like it | | Under age drinking | stupid | | Having sex before marriage | ive done it | | MTV | used to be better | | This survey! | sucked, ive already taken it like a year ago, but i thought, what the hell | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
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| You got that certain something, what you give to me, takes my breath away <3 |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|04:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | amazing by aerosmith | ] |
I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin' insane
Tryin' to walk through
The pain
When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave but couldn't get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishin that I
Would die
It's Amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright
It's Amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight
That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn't listen to all that righteous talk, oh yeah
I was out on the street,
Just tryin' to survive
Scratchin' to stay
Alive
Desperate hearts, desperate hearts |
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| Existing to tell the tales of letting go And now were strangled to tears on the fallback.. |
[Apr. 13th, 2005|12:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | groggy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | your picture hung itself by most precious blood | ] |
thought id update, not that anything super important has happened in two days, but thats okay.
yesterday i went to all my classes, and i went to the doctors. she told me that going to a counselor would be a good idea, and maybe i need to be on meds, but she doesnt know. i have the counseling appt today @ 4.. im not really looking forward to it but w/e. hopefully it goes by quickly. after my appt yesterday i got britt and we went to marshalls with my mom. i got shoes, and some clothes, and yeah it was okay. i drove to rorys after that and i stayed there till about 10 or so. my mom went out on a date last night. ooh. she was so excited.
today so far ive gone to all my classes too.this is way easier than i thought. i have semi easy classes, and although i havent been in history for about a week, i was so good today in it. answered a ton of stuff...asked alot of questions. i love when that happens, it makes class so much more tolerable. next period i have to do math and health. i got an 84 on my health test, i was fuckin shocked. i thought i failed it. but taking it twice kinda makes you a little more experienced, even though i didnt learn anything that was on that test this year. haha.
today im gonna hang out with Rory again, him and jemola just came and visited me and so jemola could meet erin, it was really cool. i love ror so much, he really is my best friend. i mean i love ty and i always will.. its just hes a lot different now. too different...:/
im gonna go, i have like 15 minutes left but im bored as fuck.
later kids<3
"If there were no rewards to reap
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away
By now"
~Tool~ |
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| ill be the end of everyone whos ever entered your life and taken pieces out of it... |
[Apr. 11th, 2005|09:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ghost man on third by taking back sunday | ] |
i dont really know what to write, because my life is kind of completely upside down right now. i dont understand half of anything going on and either me or everyone else is shut in the dark. basically my greatest fear has come to life, and theres nothing i can do about it. tomorrow im being taken to the doctors because my mother thinks i need anti depressants, and theres only one thing worth fighting with her about, and thats this boy im head over heels in love with... ((but lets not get into that please.)) my life is usually an open book, but ive learned that it cant be anymore. and im actually okay with that. today i basically kept to myself. i left school in hysterics and that went by for a good 2 hours..till i cried myself to sleep. my life is pointless. i dream of love, happiness, commitment, and everything ive wanted. my whole life has been chaos and pain, and i want to find something that doesnt consist of those two things. but everything i find that fits, i dont want. its like im so used to it, that its what i need. i feel as though my whole life will be my heart broken, and my life so chaotic i cant even stand anymore. for once in my life i know what i want, and i cant even have it. it may not be perfect, but its what i want, and what i need. its like my whole family is fucked up, but i dont want my future family like that, i want my kids to be stable, and intelligent, and happy...all the things i never got to have. i want a husband, a loving husband that loves my kids and wants what i want. i want normality, and i dont think thats what ill end up with. ill settle for something less than what im looking for, pop out a few psychos, and live my life destructively ever after. ill be a loser with no motivation and no one to love me. im so worried that im going to spend the rest of my life alone, because my whole life ive had someone by my side, but i feel so fucking alone. i had it, in my hands, i had companionship in my grasp, something that made me so happy, but i didnt try hard enough. i know thats it, i had to have done something to fuck it up, and i lost it. will it come back? i have some faith. but its not all up to me... thats the thing. my mother even told me today that she strongly considers alternative schooling because she doesnt think i can do it, the only reason i want to stick it out for another month is for prom. honestly, its my dream to go to my prom and have an amazing time. Im taking my best friend in the whole entire world and im really excited. im scared.. but im excited. school, i can barely get through a day because im so fucked up that all i want to do is sleep, cry, or be with the one person i have some sort of trust in anymore. if i just disappeared, it would make things so much easier. no more pain for anyone, no more stress, no more hurt, and no more worries. my own mother doesnt have faith in me. my whole world is absolutely upside down and all i can do anymore is cry, and sleep.
theres really nothing more to say, i have a huge headache and i just want to go to sleep, but i know im not gonna be able to, and i gotta wait for ror to come over after work with my movie..cause i left it there.
bye |
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| passion cant apply when were so drained and pale... |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|10:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | no words | ] |
| [ | music |
| | signals over the air by thursday | ] |
you killed a part of me tonight and left the frozen air to finish the job. so now i realize the cowardice you kept behind your bloodshot eyes and awkward frame was calling the shots...and i was left depleted - grinning like a retard who thought you were there when you had retreated. i'm slowing down into a shallow circle while my heartbeat fills the gaps between sporadic and failing gasps. i'm face down in the mud with eyes still bruised and purple while my heartbeat fills the gaps between sporadic and failing gasps. i swear on my life that if i could take this knife out of my back, i would - but between the loss of blood and the loss of my trust in you, i don't think it'd do any good.
if love existed we wouldn't be so soft and easy to ruin.
-Boys Night Out |
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| Now its time to wrap our fears in the night and on the first day we'll dress this city in flames.. |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|12:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | time consumer by coheed and cambria | ] |
im in school. and ive gone to all my classes so far. yesterday i missed health and english because i came to school late with andrea.. then for chorus and gym i slept in the nurses office. but today i havent missed any classes, and tuesday i went to them all. today i got a blue slip but cause i was late..and he said as long as i bring a note in tomorrow ill be fine :)
yesterday i hung out with andrea, kristen, taylor, jimmy, and mikey after school..and i went home around 430. around 5 Ror n Stac came to get me and i went over there. I ran erronds with dad and i helped outside with stuff.. i went home around 930..to crash around 12. i was exhausted yesterday. and today i fell asleep in history while we were watching a movie. no big deal.
ive been feeling really weird lately, like ill be exhausted when i sleep a 7 hour night..then fine when i sleep a 2 and a half hour night. and i cant seem to wake up in the morning. im trying in school more this week than i have probably i have in the past 3 months. i did two projects, and homework.
now i have study hall then math..i gotta try to do my math homework in study hall..which i think i can, just need a calculator.
im out, cause im talking to Tyler..
later kids<3
<3you are my star
you light up my darkest days
and bring out the beauty
in my coldest nights
i hold you close to me
to hear your breath
be silent
be still
be mine |
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| I don't think I'll make it out alive...so promise me that you'll survive to bury me... |
[Apr. 6th, 2005|12:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | a torrid love affair by boys night out | ] |
Let's begin
this autumn drive
One jerk of the wheel
we'll see how cold this November water really is
I understand
that your worst is beating the hell out of my best
i promise to never forget you.
i know you'll remember me for as long as you live...
and your life ends right here, right now, as i tear your heart apart.
i'll keep your hair with me, wrapped around my bloody knuckles as a soft, silken reminder of the day
you discovered that even the softest words can't heal the deepest wounds.
i pray that they find you and use the softest words to hide the hardest truth.
i'm covered in your blood...
now it's over.
no matter how hard i try
i cant forget the pain you caused me
and how i can never take it back
i can never get it back
its all coming back to me
and i want you to feel it
to know how i felt
but with no heart
i dont know how thats
humanly possible |
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lettingout_pain's journal
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